I'm not sure how to write this entry without a lot of backstory- if you feel like you need it take yourself to October 2004 in the archives. This entry is largely just me thinking aloud.

See that date? 2004. A lot can change in two and a half years. Ida and I have gotten some semblance of a friendship back in that time. Sarah too. Very different than how it was before, which is going to be a given when friendships break apart. There are still things that don't make sense about what happened, and the reasons I was given for why it happened. But it's been a long time and I'm over it. If people still have their panties in a bunch over things that happened that long ago, it's their issue, not mine, especially if those people never gave me a chance to redeem myself. Or, if people want to continue to mask the real reasons for things, whatever. Again, I'm over it. I'm going to enjoy the times I spend with these two people and not worry about the rest because there's nothing I can do about it.

But here's the thing- Ida is having a baby. She's also having a baby shower tomorrow. Back before she got married- months before- I wanted to throw her a bridal shower but she didn't want one. She said "Tell you what, if I have another baby you can throw me a baby shower" and that was pretty much that. I'm not upset that I'm not throwing it- given the state of our relationship it'd be completely inappropriate for me to do so.

But I'm not invited to the shower. Her family is going to be there and they still don't like me, and since they're her family she kind of has to choose them over me. I found out about the shower when I heard her asking someone if they'd gotten the evite. I wasn't eavesdropping, I was sitting right there. And honestly, I didn't really care that I wasn't invited. It would be fun and I totally love that shit, but whatever. Total non-issue.

Except that it turns out that it is an issue. It just hit me today. And I don't want it to be an issue. I don't want it to hurt that I'm missing it. And I don't want to know that every other woman in our medieval group seems to be invited. Honestly I was fine with it until it was brought up on the email list by someone I'm pretty sure isn't all *that* good of a friend. Then I was suddenly both pissed and hurt, however appropriately or inappropriately so.

I'm mad at being excluded. I'm madder about the reasons I'm being excluded. I'm mad that I got accused of childish behavior in the blowup two years ago, yet Ida's mom is seemingly being every bit as childish about the situation. I'm mad at Ida for just shrugging it off, for never defending me and pointing out that I'm not the one in the wrong anymore. Most of all I'm mad at myself for expecting anything to be any different than it has been. I'm mad at myself that it matters so much to me. I'm mad that I want to point at our history and say "Look! Look at what we had. Why doesn't that matter to you?"

I understand the need to choose family over friends. It doesn't mean I think it's right. It doesn't mean that I don't want her to say "You know what? She's my friend and I want her there. This party is supposed to be about me and you can just fucking suck it up and be a goddamned adult for two fucking hours." I'm so tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells. Especially when I'm not the one unwilling to make amends. When I'm not the one who hasn't gotten over whatever the hell my issues are two years later.

Fuck. Fuck Fuck FUCK.

But before I get to shoes, a huge shout-out to Shan of Unfinished Object for sending me some great handmade coasters. I brought one to work to use at my desk, the other three are at home.

Okay now- Shoes. The joy of every girl's life but also the bane of her existence half the time. I've got a lot of shoes that are several years old, because I wear them until they die, and some of them, even after they should have been retired because I just love them too much, or don't have a suitable replacement.

I fear breaking an ankle every time I wear the black shoes- they're falling apart but I couldn't find another pair of black slides that I liked. It's funny too because I bought them to wear with a Halloween costume and never thought I'd wear them again. The red ones have a split sole, have for a year, and yet I keep them in my closet. I'm actually considering seeing if they can be repaired, which seems like overkill when the shoes were only $15 to begin with, but that's how cute I still think they are. Not pictured are a pair of grey suede clogs that I also love love love but are dying- no surprise since I've had them since 1999. I haven't worn them in ages but I've hung onto them.

The new wave has arrived, and for each pair pictured below, a pair is being retired. (Is it just me or is it really hard to think about throwing your favorite shoes in the trash?)

The red shoes in front are the current bane of my existence. Originally, I bought a pair of black wingtip style maryjanes, but after a month in the box I decided I wasn't going to wear them and took them back. But the Shoe Pavilion by my house didn't carry that shoe, and so I had to go back to the one by my office. In the meantime, I went to the BOGO sale at my local Payless because I was in desperate need of some simple black slides. After wading through the miles of fugly, I managed to find 2 pair. Did you know that Payless gives a AAA discount? 10%! So I got 10% of my first pair of shoes and 50% off my second. I justified this by spending only a couple of dollar more than I'd be getting back when I returned the maryjanes.

I went to the Shoe Pavilion by my office yesterday, as the last day in my 30-days to return, and discovered I'd misread the date and was past the date I could return them. I had to exchange them. After wandering for way too long, I finally found a totally cute pair of red shoes, and ZOMG Steve Madden! On Sale! But by that point I was sick of shopping so I didn't do more than make sure it'd go on my foot. Then I got them home and wore them around my room, and couldn't for the life of me figure out why my foot kept coming out. Hmmm, how about because they're size 11? I wear a 9-10 depending on the shoe. I'm headed back to SP for the third time in 3 days on my lunch, praying they have the same shoes in my size, because I really really like them. If I can't find 10s, I'm actually trying to figure out how to make the 11s work. Yeah, I've got issues.

If you don't want me to treat you like you're stupid, start proving to me that you're not.

I recently read this article. (Go ahead, I'll wait.)

Now, I'm the type of person that will totally read that article and go "Oh Noes! Must. Rid. Life. Of. ALL. PLASTIC." and then later that day go to the grocery store and realize that nearly everything in my cart has unnecessary packaging. Or that I've packed all my food "blocks" (for my food/diet plan) into individual ziplock baggies to make it easier to take meals to work, even on days when I'm in a hurry. Making sudden drastic changes like that is just not realistic, especially considering how much plastic surrounds us on a daily basis and how we don't even think about what we're using a lot of the time, but I am working on getting myself out of the disposable mindset. At the same time, there are things I can do, and easily, so why wouldn't I do them?

A lot of times, those same things save me money. Making coffee at work and drinking out of a reusable cup, rather than buying it downstairs, generating a paper cup and plastic lid every day? I also drink water all day at my desk. Instead of using disposable (recyclable) plastic bottles that I keep replacing, why not use a refillable aluminum bottle? (I really like Sigg bottles, I have two of them.) On my recent trip to Seattle, I bought this spork(ife) because it amused me. It managed to end up in my desk drawer and I now use pretty much whenever I need a utensil in the office, rather than using the disposables we keep around.

I think my boss may have started to think I'm becoming Environmentalist Girl, because I'm trying to lessen office waste too. We use a lot of "working copies" around here, and I probably shred a ream of paper a week. That's a LOT of paper. I've starting printing letter drafts on the second side of paper in my shred bin. Those drafts don't leave the general vicinity of my desk, so it's not like there is a chance of information accidentally getting into the wrong hands, and it cuts the waste in HALF. That's big. We recycle our shredding, but reducing our use saves both trees and our office budget.

Plastic is everywhere, and is pretty hard to escape in day to day life. But is it really so hard to try to limit how much I'm putting the landfill, or to pick up the plastic bag blowing across the parking lot so it doesn't end up in the ocean or the bay? Not really. It just involves a little shift in thinking- considering my actions before I take them. And when I think abut the fact that I want to have kids someday, I think about the fact that I want them to have a world that is healthy for them. If I can take steps today, especially steps that don't inconvenience me in any way, that can make that happen for the next generations, I actually think it would be wrong of me not to do them.

I posted the above picture on Flickr yesterday, with the following text:

"I have a walk in closet in my room, which has gone largely unused because it just got stuffed full of junk when I moved in. I decided a while ago that it needed cleaning out, and finally managed to get to it today. It generated a huge bag of trash, a huge bag of recycling (magazines and the like), and about half a box of stuff I'm putting on freecycle. It also yielded a bunch of stuff I'd forgotten about or had been missing. I'm excited about having more closet space, and a second dresser which was unburied in the process."

I started to elaborate, and thankfully remembered that my mom sees my flickr, and removed some of what I had written and decided to post it here instead.

(Aside: Brad and I were talking recently and I was saying that I had turned into such an irregular blogger, and he was saying that flickr seemed like a better medium for me, especially with the daily photo project, because it's picture and backstory in one, and to some extent I think he's right)

The walk-in quickly became the catch-all for any mess I didn't have time to deal with before someone would be seeing my room- be that friend, housemate taking care of a cat, or a date- just stick it in the closet and deal with it later. But I've been in this room for a little over 2 years now, and all that stuff adds up. I knew there was stuff in there that needed to be thrown out, stuff I wanted to give away on freecycle, and I knew there were a coupe of boxes that I had no clue what was in them.

I found stuff I'd been missing- my Barnabas Project baseball cap, my snow hat and gloves, several summer pj tank tops, and a couple of pairs of shoes. Also some postcards I'd bought, some books I'd been meaning to read, and half a box of unmatched socks (which, when added to my other half box of unmatched socks, yielded more than a few complete pairs).

I also found stuff I'd forgotten about- a funky spice rack I bought like, 2 years ago, a vase set that I LOVE but has been packed away since I lost my job back in 2003, a box of halloween candy that is at least 2 years old (went straight into the trash), and a pregnancy test (unused, but also expired, so I threw it out too). It was that last item, when I read it in my flickr posting made me say "oh, um... I should change that, my mom reads this." Because I didn't really feel like fielding that phone call...

I'm excited to finally have the closet in useable order (well, after my sister's visit this weekend- it's going back to being the hiding place for a few more days)- I'll be able to hang up all my SCA clothes, keep all my luggage in one place, and actually put all my shoes away in a close without fear that the closet monster will eat them.

Keegan: I'd like to have one piece that's really wow.
Me: Well, there's "Wow!" and then there's "Wow..."
Keegan: You think this is "Wow..."?
Me: I don't know. It might be more "Whoa!"

It's really windy where I work. Just the nature of working in a city right next to the Bay. But today the wind is kicking something around that is absolute hell on my allergies. I feel like I've been maced or something (not that I've ever been maced so it may be an unrealistic comparison but it's my blog and shut up), all I want to do is close my eyes and keep them closed. A nap would be nice too, but I'd settle for 20 minutes to just close my eyes.

It probably doesn't help that I jabbed myself in the eye with a mascara wand last night, but still. Spring needs to go suck it.