Hiya. I know going a week-ish without updating isn't unusual for me, but I'm declaring a hiatus. Work has been the usual end-of-year crazy, and I've got a lot going on outside of work (well, not a lot, but what I have is REALLY time consuming). I'll be back on the 1st, with a some exciting new things to talk about. Happy New Year.

(a post in which I both talk about Jesus and cuss like a sailor. Sorry Matt)

Normally Christmas is my favorite time of year. The decorations, the music, the beauty of the snow (in places where it actually does that) and the general atmosphere. I don't stress over the shopping, I enjoy it. I love decorating my house, and I drive the slightly longer and more inconvenient way home from work or wherever I happen to have been so that I can drive past the front of my house and see the tree in the window (I live on a corner and my parking spot on the driveway is harder to pull into from that direction).

For me, it is also about celebrating the birth of Jesus. I'm okay with the fact that it isn't that way for everyone, but for me it is. My faith is a very important part of my life, and that means that Easter and Christmas have great significance for me. Your mileage may vary.

But not this year. This year the holiday has come at me like a train, mocking me with the fact that I totally over-committed myself. There are presents to buy and wrap, cards to send out and a house to decorate. And no time to do any of those things because in addition to ATI's fundraiser, which is becoming an annual commitment, I also agreed to embroider a collar and cuffs for an SCA dress as a favor to a friend. I'm usually a pretty fast stitcher, but fill-work takes far longer than I thought. Things I normally enjoy feel like a burden, and I really hate that. I'm working about 9 hours a day at work and then stitching for 4-5 hours every evening. I'm averaging 5.5 hours of sleep a night, which is no doubt contributing to this *mood* I've been in.

ATI decided to do a silent auction for "beautifully decorated Christmas trees" at the fundraiser this year. A tree farm gave us a really really good deal on 10 trees, but only 5 of them sold. So it seemed like a no-brainer that we'd each take a tree home. Thing is, I'm a Christmas tree snob. I didn't realize how much of a one until now. I prefer Noble Fir Christmas trees. The trees we got for the fundraiser are Douglas Firs, or as I call them- Puffball trees.

I wanted a Noble, like every year. But the practical part of me who is trying to be a financially responsible adult said "The tree you want is gonna be about $80. This tree is free." Free, but also fucking UGLY. I hate it. I hate it a lot. I can put the star on top of the tree without standing on anything. That should not be possible.

Why yes, I am an ungrateful bitch, thanks for asking.

Not only is it fugly, my housemates were in charge of putting it up and it stayed in its netting in the living room for FOUR FUCKING DAYS and now the branches won't fluff out. I'd have done it myself, but have I mentioned the insanely busy? Because I'm pretty sure I mentioned the insanely busy. Plus, I got the tree and brought it home, they didn't have to pay anything for it, is it so much to ask that they set it up? Finally last night Rick says to me "What do you think the odds of getting that tree up tonight, since my son is coming tomorrow?"

Oh I don't know Rick. It's not like you're home all day every day and could have done it days ago, of course I will drop everything I need to do tonight and help you with it.

We got it into the stand, and then Rick left me to decorate it by myself, saying he had a bunch more cleaning he had to do to prepare for his son's visit. When I finished decorating the tree he was in the TV room on his computer, watching CSI. There was still a trail of dead ants on the stove and by the sink (the cold is driving them in- there's no loose food in our kitchen and they keep going for places like the sink where there is water). I HATE ants. I get the heebie jeebies for like, an hour if any get on me. If you don't want to help me, don't help me, but tell me that, don't make excuses.

Usually by now the tree has been up for 2 weeks and all the gifts are bought and wrapped and under it waiting. This year, I still have about 6 gifts to buy, and some of them are just gonna have to wait until after Christmas. Nothing is wrapped. My embroidery project has pushed everything to the side, because it needs to get done ASAP. It is going a little bit faster than I thought it would, which is good, but I'm still not sure it'll be done by the original date I said I'd deliver. That stresses me out because I like to be a person of my word, though I'm such an over-committer that it gets harder and harder.

My depression has also been bad recently for a variety of reasons, among them stress making my eating disorder flare up, getting overtired has always been dangerous for me and my emotional health, and in the rush rush rush that is my life these days I keep forgetting to take my pills. I hate feeling this way, I hate that every other sentence out of my mouth surrounding this holiday starts with "I hate" and I just want it all to be done already. Christmas go away so I can focus on other things. And for someone who usually loves this time of year, it's a sad sad state. Perhaps the worst part is that it seems like a whole lot of people are feeling that way this year. Merry Fucking Christmas.

*I also hate the Grinch, always have, but it's a fitting title for me right now.

- I've lost about 15 pounds or so in the last month. Randomly, the most notable losses have been from my fingers and my feet. My rings fly off if I shake my hand to hard (like the reflexive shaking you do when you slam your thumb in your desk drawer) and spin around on my fingers when I applaud anything.

- I got my first ticket in 9 years last Saturday, and for the dumbest reason ever- stopping behind the limit line at a stop sign. I stopped at the corner rather than at the line, and there happened to be a cop right there. Grrr.

- My AIM, for whatever reason, is blocking my friend's sister from IMing me. The other day Dee had to set up a chat between her, her sister, and me so that her sister and I could talk to each other (I needed to ask Jen a favor).

- I have abused my fingers more in the last four days than I probably have in the last four years combined (not in severity, just in sheer volume). In addition to stabbing myself with an embroidery needle at least twice a day, I've slammed my thumb in my desk drawer, and my fingers in a supply cabinet the shower door. I've also nicked a knuckle on our Christmas tree stand cut the back of an index finger on a broken ornament. I also got my finger stuck while doing something last weekend, but I can't remember what.

- I punched myself in the mouth putting on my bra the other day. Apparently it's dangerous to be me.

We've been eagerly awaiting his arrival for a while now, as his mommy's doctors expected him to come early. He finally made his debut on the 16th, a week late. I love love love the picture below- the look on Katie's face blows me away:

I'm not a big myspacer really... I have one, and I check it once or twice a day, but mostly I use it to keep track of my cousins, people from high school, and a few people from my college years. The vast majority of my "Friends" list is people I know in real life. There are a couple of people I only know online, and a handful of bands (2 out of 3 are local). I rarely use it to send people messages, though if someone messages me I'll message back. I *do not* use myspace IM. I prefer real email and Trillian.

Myspace has a "bulletin" function, where you can send a message to everyone on your friends list at once. It goes into a special window on one side of your homepage, rather than to your inbox. It seems like a lot of what gets posted are event announcements from the bands and comedians on my list, and those "email forward" type messages- surveys, jokes, "fight the power!", that sort of thing. Those kind of annoy me, but one or two, whatever, I'll just ignore it, but don't abuse it. I took a look and compiled some numbers- and I thought the results were amusing.

- I have 51 myspace friends
- In the last 10 days, I've gotten 66 bulletins from 17 individual users
- 12 of those individuals (3 are bands) have posted 1 or 2 bulletins
- 2 have posted 3-4 bulletins and those two are a band and a comedian
- My friend Katie has posted 5 but I forgive her because she's using it to update people on her pregnancy (she's about 5 or 6 days past due now)
- My friend Aida has posted 7, and I think they're all about sex. (I've known her since first grade- apparently she's not my little Aida-bear anymore...)
- That brings the total to 16 users and 33 bulletins
- Meaning my friend Pam has posted 33 bulletins in 10 days. None of them were informational, they were all surveys and jokes and things. Holy crap people. Enough already, y'know?

(this was originally drafted on Thursday, but I haven't had a chance to get it posted til now. Since I compiled this, Pam has posted 4 more, and Katie posted one saying the baby was on his way!)

This started out as a comment on Brad's post about mortgaging your home to pay for Christmas. Now, I'm not judging anyone else's holiday traditions, because there is a part of me that would love to get extravagant gifts for Christmas, but that's just not how it works in my world.

I probably spend $300-$350 on Christmas every year. And that's buying gifts for like, 15 people. My family exchanges small gifts- a dvd, a book, some jewelry. One year I got a Bissel spot cleaner from my parents, because my mom knew I could use one, and I use it all the time (my cat pukes a lot). A few years back, possibly the same year I got the Bissel, I think my mom's gift cost me about $15 and a couple of sewing hours. She loved it, and gets way more use out of it than the expensive collector doll I bought her 10 years ago that has never come out of its box.

In my world, Christmas is about family and friends, about celebrating the season and being with the ones you love. It's not about gimme gimme gimme. My dad HATES the commercialization of Christmas. He looks like Santa, but he's the original Scrooge. There are no "Christmas Lists". The rule in my house was "If you ask for it, you're not getting it" (though my mom does break that every year and asks for ideas). There's also "gift cards are not a present", which makes giving my dad a gift all the harder, but a gift should have a sentiment behind it, and it shouldn't be "I had to get you something so I got you this gift card because it was less effort."

Maybe it's just that we stick to the "don't spend what you don't have" rule really well, I don't know. But I do know that no amount of money you spend can make up for time you don't spend with your family. If you buy your mom a present that cost a lot, I guarantee it doesn't mean you love your mom more than I love mine. I know our culture has seemingly adopted the philosophy that Money = Love, but I don't agree. My mom is getting a $35 pair of earrings, and I know she's going to love them (her friend designs jewelry and told me my mom had her eye in them). Last year my friend Dee got socks, because she *likes* socks.

I'd much rather get a gift that was picked out with me and my tastes in mind than a gift that cost a lot, and that translates into the gifts I give. Shopping for the holidays and giving gifts should be fun. If it's overwhelming and stressful and costs way more than you can afford, maybe you're doing it wrong.

World AIDS Day has a huge significance for me. Not because of the experiences I've had or the people I've met on this day over the years. Not because I know people facing this disease head-on. But because it is the one day society seems to collectively raise their heads and acknowledge the damage this disease is wreaking on our world. I feel that there shouldn't have to be a designated day for people to take action (much like I think people should tell each other they love one another all the time, not just on Valentine's Day), but if this one day is the day people are going to look up, I'm going to take advantage of that.

A few facts:
- When AIDS became a concern, there were fewer than 50 serious reported cases
- 25 years later nearly 40 million people are living with HIV/AIDS
- almost 3 million are children, and AIDS has orphaned 12 million children in Africa

We've all heard the statistics. We all selfishly live our lives in spite of them. Heck, I claim to be passionate about fighting this disease and even I get self centered and focused on my own little world a lot of the time. I'm not blaming anyone for their actions (or inaction, as the case may be), but let today be the day that your focus shifts, even if only a little. Maybe you don't have to stare HIV/AIDS in the face every day in the eyes of your friend, your lover, your child... but a whole hell of a lot of people do.

Everyone can do something. How are you going to help change the world today? Here are a few places to start:

(RED)

World AIDS Day

San Francisco AIDS Foundation

At the very least, take a few moments out of your day to say a special prayer today for those living with and for those fighting the war on HIV and AIDS.