I'm in a pretty good place lately, but this is the best description of the way I feel sometimes that I've ever seen.

"What's wrong with today is that nothing is actually wrong.

Nothing is exactly right, either and that's why I feel this way. Tired, sad, and three seconds or one sideways glance away from crying."

Read the rest...

(This post has been brewing for a while, but it's such a huge subject that I hope I've done it justice)

Through the wonder that is the blog world, I have made friends all over the US, and internationally. And invariably the subject comes up of just how expensive it is to live where I do. I live in the most expensive area in the country. Obviously that means that anywhere I go that isn't here would be cheaper. But I stay because it is where I was raised, and I love it here. It's also all I've ever known.

My cost of living would be 48% lower if I lived near Brad. The salaries there are only 15% lower. The comparison is 43/17 if I lived near Caryn. 48/22 near David. I complain a lot about how expensive it is here. So it seems like a no brainer right? Move somewhere cheaper. I've got at least one friend waiting in each place I just mentioned. There is a lot to be gained from a move like that. More disposable income. Maybe a house of my own that I don't have to share with anyone.

But at what cost? My family is here. The ocean is here. All my friends, every location I've ever known in my life- where I went to school; the rock CJ and I sat on the first time we kissed; the park where Val and I used to hang out, late at night with a 40 of cheap beer. Everyone I've ever worked with, everyone who has seen what I can do, whether it's professionally, artistically or spiritually. All the places I take for granted, that I never really go to, but know are an easy distance away if I wanted to go to them- the Exploratorium, Filoli, the water temple, Golden Gate Park. Can monetary vslue really be placed on those things?

But somewhere new has new places to discover. Places to make new memories with new friends. A chance to pay off old debts with a newfound disposable income. A chance to start some real savings. Disposable income is practically a foreign phrase in these parts. Somewhere new has so many possibilities that seem like impossibilities when looked at from the perspective of staying here.

Then I ask myself if that wold be enough to give up the life I have here. I'm broke all the time, yeah. My housemates drive me crazy a lot of the time, sure. My job isn't what I want to do for the rest of my life, true. All of those things would be different somewhere new. But it's also true that despite those things I'm reasonably happy. I have fun with my friends and I enjoy my life the way it is. It's also true that I don't always deal well with change. And then I think that maybe I could still be happy, if the change could be controlled.

The possibilities are exciting. The cost would be high. I don't know what I'm going to decide. I just know that even knowing the cost, I'm not ready to stop considering it.

Open iTunes (or your music player of choice)
Switch to "Party Shuffle" or set the player to shuffle/random
Answer these questions with the titles of the first songs which come up in the shuffle

1. How does the world see you?
Seasons of Love (RENT) - Measure your life in love

2. Will I have a happy life?
Garden Conversation (Love Theme from The Wedding Planner)

3. What do my friends really think of me?
If God Made You (Five for Fighting) - If God made you He's in love with me... (awww)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
My Funny Valentine (Judy Kaye, from Babes in Arms) -Your looks are laughable, unphotographable, yet you're my favorite work of art...

5. How can I make myself happy?
I'm Gonna Smile (Lonestar) - doesn't get much simpler than that.

6. What should I do with my life?
The Color Green (Rich Mullins) - Praise God for the little everyday things I take for granted.

7. What is some good advice for me?
Life is Sweet (Natalie Merchant) - I tell you life is sweet, in spite of the misery there's so much more, be grateful

8. How will I be remembered?
For Good (Wicked Soundtrack) -because I knew you, I have been changed for good

9. What is my signature dancing song?
Morning Glow (Pippin)

10. What do I think my current theme song is?
Elephant Love Medley (Moulin Rouge)

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
This is the Moment (Dan Chameroy)

12. What song will play at my funeral?
Little Wild One (The Wonders)

13. What type of men/women do you like?
She's My Kind of Rain (Tim McGraw) - the kind that think I'm special enough to write a song for

14. What is my day going to be like?
Lullaby (Shawn Mullins) everything's gonna be all right...

I got to go to another hockey game on Monday. Sharks v. Kings. This time Ray couldn't go, so I got to sit with Nicky, and Charlotte sat in her own seat. I'm starting to enjoy the game more now that I have a better understanding of what is going on on the ice. It was fun before because it is fun to watch, and easy to get caught up in the excitement of the crowd, but being able to follow what is going on makes it better. I think I've got a pretty good handle on the penalties now, and I can follow the action better. There is still plenty of "why is he doing that?" but I think it's a little less basic now.

I saw another fight (cool!), saw a guy take a puck to the face (scary!), and experienced my first hat trick ("Nicky? Why are they throwing hats?"). We also had these really annoying guys sitting behind us that kept yelling at the Sharks to "Hit Somebody! Anybody! Just Hit 'Em!!". After the hat trick, there were a few guys who were still wearing their hats, and the guy behind me said to his friend, "Anyone in this arena still wearing their hat is a pussy." They were a class act, those two. Also behind us was "the little Cheechoo girl", who sounded about 14, and everytime somebody missed a shot she'd yell "Put Cheechoo in!" because apparently he isn't allowed to rest and no one else is allowed to play.

Charlotte had warned Nicky that I think it's funny when players "crash into the walls" which I have since learned is called "hitting the boards". And I do so love it when they do that. It's just funny. But Nicky was unprepared for just how funny I find it. During the 3rd period, they show a clip montage on the jumbotron of guys crashing into each other, during which I giggled nonstop. That, combined with how entertained I was by the earlier Scott Thrornton/Tim Gleason fight, made her turn to me and say, "You're a violent little thing, aren't you?" She's not used to sitting next to someone who giggles like a maniac during that montage.

Thing is though, I don't think I realized until later that night what is actually happening when they hit the boards. Because when you don't know the game, but you have been ice skating, it looks like they just can't stop or turn in time and so they run into the wall. And since far too many years of America's Funniest Home Videos have taught us that when people fall down and/or crash into things it is funny, is there any reaction to that but to laugh? I didn't think so. But then I figured out that it's actually guys hitting each other on purpose, to keep them away from the game play and away from the puck. It's still funny, but at least now I know it serves some purpose in the game.

My title sounds kinda like one of those silly blogger quizzes, doesn't it? Don't worry, it's not.

When I woke up this morning, I went about my normal morning routine. I got out of bed, figured out what I was wearing to work, went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, fed the cat, futzed around a little, then opened the shower door and stuck my hand in to test the temperature. The water was ice cold. I checked the knob, and it wasn't pointed to the cold side. I cranked the knob all the way to the hottest setting, but nothing. The water was still freezing. I went out and checked the water heater, but who was I kidding? I don't know what to look for. I touched it and it was cold, but I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like.

Since I had slept slightly later than I should have, I needed to get ready. I stuck my head in the sink since my hair is impossible to style when dry, and then got dressed. It felt very weird to be going to work without showering. I left a note on the mirror in Dau's bathroom, and also on the dry erase board in the kitchen, saying that we had no hot water.

He called me at work later, told me he'd call the property manager, but if I had any cleaning I wanted to do or anything I wanted to get put away before people came into the house I should come home and do it. Now, we keep our house pretty clean. My room on the other hand, vascillates between clean and looking like a bomb hit it. Thing is, my room shares a wall with the water heater closet, so if the water heater broke and flooded the upstairs, whoever came to fix it might need access to my room, and my room was definitely not on the clean side of it's variants. So I headed home on my lunch break to do a bit of straightening up.

While I was doing that, I started thinking about cleaning styles. I have friends, and have recently read some bloggers, who have to clean their homes to a showroom level before anyone can see it. My sister is a neurotic cleaner, so I know that there are people who it just has to be that way, but I'm not at all. I like my space to be tidy, but I want it to look lived in. Even if I spend two hours cleaning before someone comes over, I don't want it to be obvious. Because to me, when your house is so clean tht it is immediately obvious that you've spent the last week cleaning, it kind of says that your house is generally an embarrassing mess that isn't fit to be seen by anyone. In reality, most people's houses aren't horrifying messes (though I have been in houses that are exceptions), they're just a little messy and cluttered.

My house can get that way, and I do straighten up when people are coming over, but I will sort of make it a point to look like I haven't. I'll leave a little bit of clutter. I'll leave a pair of shoes in the middle of my bedroom floor, or socks next to the hamper rather than in it. Don't ask me why, I just do. I want my space to look like I live there. I'm not a "clean it to within an inch of its life" person. I like things tidy, but not overly sterile. A little clutter doesn't bother me, and I don't care if people see a little of it when they come over.