Okay, so I succumbed. I signed up with freeipods.com. Because really, who couldn't use a free ipod?

You know you want to click that link and help me get one, right? If you do, and then tell me you did, I'll send ya a special present.

(AIM conversation between Keegan and I last week sometime)

judy: I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO SMACK OUR MAIL GUY AS BAD AS I WANT TO SMACK HIM RIGHT NOW
judy: oops, sorry bout the caps, but they're slightly appropriate
keegan: you mean charlie?
judy: no
judy: charlie is gone
keegan: oh
keegan: awww
keegan: what happened?
judy: okay, well usually the mailguy comes in, and practically throws the mail at me, like it has to be IN my hands before he can leave but he's in a hurry
judy: it's taken me a month to train him to just put it down
judy: so today, I was coming back from the bathroom, he almost ran into me with his little cart, and he's all, "oh. oh sorry"
keegan: ja
judy: and I kinda go "uh huh" and keep going, and he goes, "hey, can I just give you your mail?"
judy: and I'm thinking, "no you lazy fuck. do your job and bring it to my suite!"
keegan: lol
judy: but instead I said, "yeah, I guess so, but we have outgoing too"
judy: so he hands me our mail, then follows me into the suite
keegan: that bastard!
judy: ugh
judy: but I love Brad
judy: he sent me angry music
judy: and I'm listening to it
keegan: hot
keegan: no wonder you're fiesty
(long pause)
judy: hey, do you have a salad spinner?
keegan: nope
judy: :-\
judy: k
keegan: but you could strap the lettuce to my radiator and the fan would dry it.
keegan: lol
judy: lol
judy: I don't need to dry lettuce
keegan: might be a bit greasy tho
keegan: you don need no stinking dry lettuce?
judy: I need to drain canned vegetables and get as much juice out as possible
judy: no!
judy: I don't *need* *no* stinking dry lettuce!
judy: rofl
keegan: lol
keegan: :-)
judy: we're in rare form today
(another pause)
keegan: <<---making coffee icecream
judy: making ice cream?
keegan: ja
judy: yummy
keegan: shirazeh sent me a cute ice cream maker for my bday.
judy: cool
keegan: ja
keegan: it's cute.
judy: because we all know "cute" is an essential ingredient of a successful ice cream maker

Now that it is officially "after Thansgiving" I can think about Christmas. If you'd like a holiday card from me, please send an email to judy at twitterpated dot org with your address, and whether you'd like "season's greetings" of some sort, or if it can say "Christmas". Also, if you're married and I don't know your spouse's name, include that too so I can include them in the wishes.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

My family is really widespread, so for as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving was just the four of us, Mom, Dad, Anne, and I. I remember one Thanksgiving when I was around 9 or so, some friends joined us, and had to watch their soaps crammed around the small desk area in my dad's office, because football was the only thing that was going to be allowed on the living room TV. Another year when I was a teenager, my cousin Christina came for dinner, because she was a student at a college about 45 minutes away, and wasn't going home for Thanksgiving.

Things changed in 1997. That year, I was living on my own and didn't have a car. My sister was going to come pick me up and take me to our parents' house for dinner. For some reason it ended up that she couldn't come get me. She and my mom and I traded calls, and my mom said she'd come get me (an hour round trip) as soon as the turkey was in. I was getting stuff together to be ready, when she called back. My dad had gotten mad that plans were being changed around, and he canceled Thanksgiving. Yup, you heard me. Canceled. Thanksgiving. At about 11 am Thanksgiving morning.

My best friend Erica was getting married the following Saturday, and I was heading to her house the next day to help get things ready. I called her in tears, and her mother, and mother-in-law (to be) told her to go get me and bring me there to share their Thanksgiving, but it was too far (a 5 hour round trip). So then I called my friend Dan. He picked me up, and took me to the singles Thanksgiving dinner at my church. That's right. I spent Thanksgiving at church, with a bunch of people I didn't know. (it wasn't all bad, as it was there that I met a woman who would eventually pay me a lot of money to stay at her house with her kids when she went away on business trips and who sold me my second car).

The next year, I was living in Merced, and went with Erica to her parents' place instead of going home. Turkey Day 1999 I was with my family I think. Thanksgiving 2000 was the year that Grandpa (Erica's grandfather) died, so I was in Oregon the week before Thanksgiving, and home with my family for the actual day. 2001 and 2002, I was with Erica's family, and it was about this point that Anne threw a fit, saying Thanksgiving was a family day, and she was tired of me not being around. I said it was because of the year dad cancelled Thanksgiving. And she told me to get over it because it was a long time ago. So I spent 2003 with my family, at Anne's house.

The reason I don't celebrate with my family when given a choice is not because I am still angry seven years later. It's because I feel like if my dad could just "cancel" it like that, it obviously wasn't that important to him. Spending it with Erica's family feels like being with family to me. We've been best friends for 19 years, and her whole family has adopted me, and they love me like I really was a blood relative. There are aunts and uncles and cousins and grandkids all over the place, and it feels like the way it should be.

This year I'll be spending the day with friends. Anne is working 9-5 today, her in-laws are eating at a restaurant because they're moving and can't cook a big meal, and my mom just doesn't feel like cooking. People seem to think I'm strange because I'm okay with that. Thanksgiving just isn't my family day. Now, try to keep me from my family for at least part of Christmas, and I might have to hurt you.

When this meme was going around, I had like 4 mp3's. Now that I have about 18 hours' worth, I'm doing it. The object is to put your mp3 player on random and note the first 25 songs played:

1. Collide - Howie Day
2. When You Cry - Vertical Horizon
3. Festive Overture Op. 96 - Shostakovich
4. What Happened to Us - Hoobastank
5. Double Cello Concerto - Vivaldi/Bobby McFerrin
6. Princess - Matt Nathanson
7. A Sorta Fairytale - Tori Amos
8. Surrender - Evanescence
9. Morning After - Howie Day
10. Wild Horses - Tori Amos
11. Faith Like a Child - Jars of Clay
12. Gone - Switchfoot
13. With or Without You - U2
14. Baroque Violin in D Minor - Bach/Vivaldi
15. Goodnight - Evanescence
16. Pretty the World - Matt Nathanson
17. Something More - Switchfoot
18. This Love - Maroon 5
19. Too Little Too Late - Hoobastank
20. I Want You to Want Me - Letters to Cleo
21. She'll Hear You - Ben Jelen
22. Concerto in C Major RV 447 - Handel/Vivaldi
23. My Immortal (Accoustic Version) - Evanescence
24. Open Your Eyes - Hoobastank
25. Don't Panic - Coldplay

(Technically #23 was a Rob Christenson song, but I don't know what it is called so I left it out of the listing)

I wish I knew where my mind was these days. So much has happened since I turned 28. My brain has gone in so many different directions that I don't know what I think anymore. I moved. There was crazy housemate drama. There was the complete meltdown of everything that had been built up with "Brian". I started going to church again. I met several wonderful bloggy friends. There was the blowup with Sarah and Ida. The reconciliation with "Brian". The wedding of some friends that made me really think about where my life is. I've had conversations with so many people on so many subjects- God, religion, work, mistakes, forgiveness, love, relationships, judgement...

I haven't been sure what I wanted. I've always known I wanted to get married. I've always wanted kids, until the last five years, when I haven't been sure. Now, I'm pretty sure I know what I want, but I don't know how to get there.

I want to get married. I want kids. I want to be part of a family. I want to come home at night to kisses hello from a man who will love me for the rest of my life. I want a child that will run to me screaming "Mommy! Mommy!" when I've been away from them, and cling to my leg if I try to leave. And I want it all now. I'm tired of going to work all day, and coming home at night to an empty queen size bed and a cat that clamors for attention (not that my cat isn't wonderful) when I want to sleep. I want to have arms to walk into at the end of a long day.

I see my friends getting married. I read about other people being so fulfilled, and it's wonderful. But I want to scream and swear at God and say "Where the hell is mine?! Why the fuck am I STILL waiting? It's not fair and I'm so tired of it and dammit You are all powerful, just give me what I want! Is it really that hard? Why? All that I want is to feel like I am loved, and to be able to see and feel and touch that love. Is it really so much to ask?"

Is it?

It's been three weeks since "Brian" and I talked. And I haven't heard a word from him since. Unfortunately, this wasn't uncommon for him in the past. It may be that he's still a bit bruised from everything that has happened, and that would be understandable... I just want to know. I want to know where he is and what he is thinking.

But most of all, I just want to be happy with my life again, because right now it just hurts too much to be me.

THE WORLD OF TOILETS CONGREGATE IN BEIJING, CHINA
"The World Toilet Summit will be held in Beijing, China from 17th Nov. to 19th Nov. 2004. The theme of this Summit is: Human, Environment & Living. Centered on this theme, workshops will be organized on such hot topics as: humanized toilet, the popularization of the environmental toilet, toilet management and hygiene, toilet designing and energy-saving measures and so on. Visitors will be arranged to see the achievements of the toilet constructions in Beijing in recent years. We warmly welcome the participation of organizations, groups, individuals from various countries and regions of the world, who are dedicated themselves to the development of the world toilets. And discuss the trend of the world toilet development and show to the world the latest toilet technology."

Wow. I have nothing else to say about this.

Once a month or so, I go to the theater with some of my girlfriends. We have season tickets to one of the theaters in San Francisco. These evenings are always an adventure, beginning with dinner. Generally, we get up to the city, and then wander around the theater district until we find a restaurant that looks interesting. This time we planned ahead, and found a restaurant online and decided to go there. But when we got there, it was closed (as in, closed for good, not closed as in we just forgot to make sure it was open on Sunday)

So we wandered. Mildly expensive was okay with us, but we weren't really looking for what we call "capital E expensive" where you're like, "wow, this place looks Expensive".

We found a restaurant called Cortez, located in the Hotel Adagio. That was my first clue that it was going to be an Expensive place. But the menu posted outside the door listed prices that were quite reasonable, and the food looked like it'd be good. We walked in, and the decor was quite modern- pastel globe lights designed to look like huge mobiles, clean sleek lines on the furniture.... We got a table (which was amazing since we didn't have a reservation) and started looking at the menu.

Our waiter came over, and he was just the cutest thing ever and we wanted to tie a little bow around him and take him home. He reminded me of someone, and it just right at this very moment occurred to me who it was- Jules' husband Remy. But the resemblance was looks only- our waiter was gay as a May morning, which was quite possibly the basis of his appeal. He explained to us that the menu was a collection of small plates, served family style, and came with 3 pieces or sliced into 3 or four pieces (translation- 2 to 3 bites per person per dish). He recommended that if we were really hungry we should think about ordering 2 to 3 dishes per person.

Dinner had just gone from "quite reasonable" to "Expensive". But we were okay with that. It ended up coming out to $45 a person, with drinks. I was having sticker shock last night, and actually until I began writing this post. My general feeling is that restaurants like that are too pretentious for their own good, but, while I think it was somewhat overpriced I do have to admit that the food was amazingly good, even if they did seem rather fond of making food into foam.

This is what we had for dinner:
-Soup shots (yes, that is what it sounds like- soup in a shot glass) The soup was a broccoli puree with parmesan foam.
-Acorn squash salad with pinenuts and manchengo cheese
-Prawns a la plancha with lemon garlic butter & creamy crab rice
-Warm wild salmon & chiodini mushrooms with clam and garlic foam
-Lavender honey glazed Long Island duck breast (I don't remember what came with this but I think it was fancy mashed potatoes)
-Date & mint crusted Australian lamb sirloin with garlic chive purée and cumin scented carrots

We also had a drink each, and I had something called a cucumber gimlet, which was incredibly good, and I now want to learn how to make cucumber infused vodka so I can make my own cucumber gimlets. YUM. (I also had a berry berrytini with dessert (after the play), so I was on a roll with good drinks that came in fancy glasses.)

We're out of coffee here in the office. My coworker (J2) and I decided to go get coffee from the little cafe downstairs. My other coworker (J3) wanted stuff too, but had to get her wallet out of her car. When she came back, I was on the phone with a client. J2 and J3 started talking about bacon. Loudly. Standing at my desk. I had to shush them so I could hear.

J2 and I finally got downstairs, where I got the last cup of coffee, and we had to wait for the cafe owner to make more. He's nice, but he's a smartass who gives us crap all the time. I had my coffee, and ordered up a bacon bagel and a hot chocolate for J3. We were a little giddy/loopy in the cafe, but the real fun started at the elevators.

We both had our hands full, so J2 turned and hit the call button with her elbow. Then, inside the elevator, I swung my foot up and hit the floor button with my toe. The giggling got louder. It was at that moment we wodered how we'd open the office door. Our door opens out into the hall, rather than into the suite. I joked the we should kick the door and yell for J3 to let us in, which made us laugh harder. We got to the door, and I, in my crazy giggly state, decided to use my foot. Wearing shoes. I got the handle down (it's a bar rather than a knob) but had no way to get a grip on it to pull it open. Three men were coming out of the suite next to ours, saw us both with our hands full and giggling like lunatics, and opened our suite door for us. J3 was standing at the door to her office, trying to figure out what as going on in the hall without actually opening the door and looking. When she saw that it was us she started laughing too.

We stood around giggling for several minutes, aided by what was at the time a mysterious picture of Brad's lunch until the fateful moment when the phone rang. The Boss was out of the office (hence not totally stifling the gigglefest), and it was a friend/client of his on the phone. Unfortunately, I could not keep from laughing when I answered the phone. She was not amused. Right as I hung up the call, Boss came back. And when he got off the phone from returning that call, I got a stern look and an admonishment that I need to be professional when answering the phone.

I don't think he was really all that mad, as it's not like I laugh at our clients on a regular basis, (at least not while on the phone) but it could have been really bad if it was one of our crazy and or angry clients calling.

I thought I had put the more angstful aspects of the fallout with Sarah and Ida behind me. I saw Sarah a month ago, and things were not as bad as I had feared between the two of us. They weren't good, but they weren't as bad as I had feared. I did not see Ida that night, as she and Mo were on their honeymoon. I think I will see her tonight. I hadn't given that fact much thought, but she was in my dreams last night, and none of it was good. I think a lot of it stems from still not really knowing what caused the fallout.

I haven't dwelled on it, but I'm still thinking the same things I thought then. If you are upset with someone, if you want a break from them, do you lend them things? Do you suggest getting pedicures together? If you know your mom has some kind of problem with them, do you invite her along on the pedicure trip? It just feels like so many of the pieces still don't fit.

I'm past the day to day anguish that was there. I'm past the hurts that felt deep enough that they couldn't be survived. But my heart is still a little bit aflutter at not knowing what tonight holds. I'm past those other things, and I'd like them to stay past.

It is Wednesday. My normally light workload has gotten heavier this week, and I've been trying to find time to blog about my weekend since Monday. And about the crazy/funny thing tht happened at work yesterday. I managed to get a guest entry out for Caryn on Monday, but that's about it. I'm hoping to have time to bang out a bunch of stuff this afternoon, and I'll spread it into individual posts and actually have content available for posting for a while. So stay tuned, new stuff is coming soon, I promise.

Somebody please explain to me why the hell Kerry is conceding? This is why I don't let elections get me all riled up. But no, I had to spend all of last night at Keegan's watching election coverage and getting all into how many electoral votes they had, and got to listen to a lovely argument debate conversation about the imperfections of touchscreen vs. punchcard vs. butterfly ballots. That was fun.

Everybody Googles people they know or used to know, to see if they can come up with anything. Today I googled a guy I used to know, who went to my church, and I knew he would come up because he was a model and an actor. And I found a lot more than I bargained for. I found out that Brian killed himself six months ago.

I remember the day I was walking through the mall (about 5 years ago) and there was this huge picture of a shirtless Brian in the window of Abercrombie and Fitch, and I was like, "hey- I know that guy!" I remember the birthday party I was at when we all gossiped about the fact that he had posed nude (not full frontal) in a gay men's magazine, and I remember being disgusted by these people who would judge him because of that. I said "Come on guys, he's still Brian. He's a model, and a magazine cover? That's huge. We should be offering him our congratulations, not our condemnation"

I hadn't seen him in years. The last time I saw him was right after everyone at our church had found out about the magazine spread. I guess there were a lot of questions about his sexuality. I say, "who the fuck cares? He's our friend and our brother and it shouldn't matter." But it did. it mattered to a lot of people. The year he posed in Instinct, he wanted to be in the Christmas play at church. A lot of people didn't want him to. Why? He's a model. Models pose where they can get jobs. Apparently he posed in Playgirl too, later on (I'm kinda sorry I missed that, but it would have been weird since I know him).

I left that church about the time the Instinct spread came out, and any time I asked about him in the following years, no one seemed to know what he was up to. So yesterday I found out another guy I know is modeling, and got curious enough that I googled Brian, just for kicks. And I am deeply saddened by what happened to him. He was a beautiful person, and I don't just mean on the outside.

Brian Leo Bianchini
July 16, 1978 - March 16, 2004