I cut 8 or so inches off my hair today. It's short and I love it. And the timing couldn't have been better, because it has been so hot here the last couple days. This is the Bay Area. Air conditioning should not be required on the way to work in the morning. I got home from work today and turned on the sink in my bathroom to wash my hands, and the water was hot. I turned it all the way to cold and it stayed hot. There was no cold water in the shower either when I tried that. Finally I let the sink run for a few minutes and the water cooled down again. The water had been sitting in the pipes all day and had heated up. Ugh.

Also, to the person who sent me the PostSecret book as an anonymous gift- thank you so much. I found it waiting on my doorstep tonight, and it's really good, so... thanks!

This is why I wish my internet friends lived closer. Brad and I talk online a ton, about everything. We talk about life, his kids, our jobs, my theater stuff, you name it, we have probably discussed it at some point. I'm one of those people that sometimes thinks best out loud. I'll be talking to someone about something, usually about needing a course of action or a decision or something, and in the course of the conversation things become clear to me. Generally I love when that happens, when something someone says prods my brain in a way that me just thinking about it wouldn't have.

Below is a conversation I had with Brad on Thursday. It has helped bring about a bit of a mental shift, which will be good, and has been needed for a long time. It's a bit of a lengthy chat, but filled with so much good productive stuff that I didn't want to edit it just because it felt a little long. (and since it's my blog, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Judy: I read a thing in an OA email that really struck me, and I'm hoping the meaning will be clear even though you're not in the program too: "Every successful abstinent OAer began as a compulsive overeater. Every last one of them. I have looked at these superstars of OA as heroes forgetting that they had to begin where I am. It is not an exclusive club at the top. There's room for everyone who wants to work the program."

Brad: good. I'm glad that's striking a chord with you.
Brad: you can redirect this conversation if you want to, but I was curious... have you fluctuated a lot in your life or did you get to this size in high school and have stayed for 10+ years?
Judy: umm, I was smaller in highschool, but not by much. I was probably the size I am now by the time I was 22
Brad: ok
Judy: I've fluctuated a bit in the last few years but it's only been by a size or so, and I'm not even sure if that has more to do with the cut of the garment than anything else
Brad: gotcha. have you made any big runs at losing weight or have you not had a strong desire to do so before now?
Judy: yeah, I lost 25 pounds on WW a few years ago, right before my sister's wedding. Gained it back and then some I think. Then I lost some weight last fall when I joined OA, but gained that back when I stopped going to meetings
Judy: but my deadline is here, and I'm still not ready for it to be. so the new deadline is next year, and if there isn't significant progress, well... we'll see
Brad: ok, just curious as to your path.
Judy: I have very little self discipline, which I'm pretty sure you already know
Brad: I don't claim to know anything of that sort, but I had suspicions.
Brad: I know I'm the weight I am because of genetics... but I also feel like I'm very driven towards goals. I'd like to think that if I had a reason to be a vegetarian, or give up alcohol, or something I really liked, I could do it in the name of the greater good.
Brad: but I don't claim to really know, and won't claim to know
Judy: I'm not trying to make excuses by saying this, but my whole life, everything was always spelled out for me, which I've mentioned in the past. Discipline always came from other people, and so I never learned self discipline. And at this stage, I don't really know how to teach myself that.
Judy: but I'm trying
Brad: that's interesting.
Brad: I see you as so independent.
Brad: so it's hard to imagine you as not self-disciplined... but when I think about things, I realize that's true.
Judy: that's what I project
Brad: well, I'm glad you're making an effort.
Judy: it's what I want to be and try to be, but it doesn't always work.
Brad: whether it's with finances or food, or whatever. making the effort is important. sticking to it is the hardest part though.
Judy: yeah
Judy: and I think that's why I talk about things so much- because I care way too much about what other people think of me, and so I feel like if other people are watching, I don't want them to see me fail
Brad: is that a motivator though? feeling like you disappointed others?
Judy: trying not to disappoint is the motivator
Brad: I'd only think it is a little bit, but not enough to make you succeed.
Judy: well, exactly
Brad: that's not really wanting it though. Wanting it for yourself is most important... at least, I feel that way about the things I do.
Judy: I think maybe we're saying the same things?
Brad: well, at any rate, keep up the OA, get your meds... try and integrate will power into each day. :)
Judy: there are things I want for myself, but they're things I don't know how to get for myself, whether because I don't have the tools or because impulse control is not my strong suit and ends up hurting the overarching goal. It leads to a lot of false starts.
Brad: you're doing great from what I can tell.
Brad: I see that. yeah.
Brad: I also think you can overcome it.
Judy: so the tool I try to use, that doesn't always work is "I have to succeed at this or so-and-so will be disappointed in me or will see me fail"
Brad: hm, I don't think that's a very strong tool.
Judy: that's sort of my point
Judy: I know that it's not, but it's the one I have. I don't know how at this point in my life to get other ones. (which sounds like a cop-out or excuse but I'm not meaning it to be)
Brad: well, my personal experience has been that it's easiest to find something like a walk/race to focus on, and then the other things come easier. For instance, training for a 5K. You can walk it or walk/jog it. So, when I had a race to focus on, I would make my lunches healthy because it was "for the race" and I wouldn't want to exercise that day but I'd do it because I know how much it's needed "for the race". etc. The motivators of doing well in the race are to 1) receive accolades for doing a race of any kind 2) completing the 5K and not disappointing the people you told about it. And for me, it was about beating times, personal goals, etc.
Judy: if I'm really really honest with myself, deep down, I try and I fail and I start to think I can't do it and so I stop trying, til I forget that I think I can't do it and try again. It's a bit of a vicious circle
Judy: (and I don't think I have ever expressed that thought to anyone)
Brad: well, I think it's probably more common than you think. you should share it at OA and see if you see some heads nodding.
Judy: maybe

I've never been terribly goal oriented. I make goals, but there were never consequences to not acheiving those goals. Maybe now that there are consequences (aging, health as I age, knowing that my life will always be this way and not liking the way it is), I'll be able to keep some goals.

- Well, actually hyphens, because I don't know how to make bullets, but "hyphens" doesn't make as good a title.

- Last night I had a dream that I had a baby girl and named her Avery. I have no idea where that came from. The baby thing, that I totally get, but Avery??

- Phone books are hard to tear in half. Yes, I did try.

- Every time I see a certain file on my desk I think inside my head "I slapped Weezer Beaudreau!!" from Steel Magnolias.

- I surprised myself today when I typed the following: "One is at that level of HOTTness where you almost can't stand it, and the other one is so fug you just want to slap the moustache right off his face. It doesn't work in my brain."

- the apple cutter/corer is my favorite thing ever. I can't eat an apple unless it is cut up, and so that thing makes my life so much easier. I have one for home and one for work. I might even have a third one for camping.

- Really, this post is kinda boring, but it's all you get today.

- Well, until I do Red Friday really really late.

I'm trying to take more pictures, and photo projects are fun, so I'm participating in color week.

I really hate thrift stores/resale shops. I mean REALLY hate them. I don't know why. They're just not my thing and I can spend about 5 minutes in one before I start getting antsy and have to leave. But a few years ago I went to one with some friends and found this quilt. It is all velvet and is my favoritest blanket ever. (Even more than the comforter in the second "Blue Thursday" pic, and I love that comforter a lot.) When I got it home and washed it, I found a bunch of places where the velvet had gotten thin and there were about 15 little rips and tears I had to stitch up before the blanket was usable. Now I have it dry cleaned so the velvet doesn't get stressed by the weight of being wet and I don't get any more rips.

(if you are reading this, and I most likely know that you are reading it, you are not among those being addressed)

Dear Well Intentioned Friends,

While I appreciate the fact that you care about me, and only wish me well, please stop giving me unsolicited advice on my weight. Please do not buy me, as a Christmas gift, a book on weight loss written by someone at the Mayo Clinic. Please do not offer suggestions about the amount of water, milk, juice or copier fluid that I should be drinking to achieve an optimum result. Please do not suggest, if you see me eating a small handful of chips, that perhaps I should be eating an apple. Please do not tell me that I should have my thyroid checked by a specific test because certain types of thyroid conditions go undetected with just a simple blood test.

Thank you for being interested in my well-being and for wanting me to live a healthy happy life. But I am an adult. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions, and as an adult, I am responsible for myself. You are not responsible for me or the decisions I make. You do not know how much water/milk/juice/copier fluid I have consumed when you were not looking. You do not know, when you see me eating a small handful of chips, that I have already had three apples today, thank you, and these are my first chips this week. Frankly, it isn't really any of your business.

Please also understand that you are not my doctor. I have a doctor, and I discuss my health issues with her, including my eating disorder, the inherent risks to my health due to not just my weight but also my family medical history, and various other issues that one discusses with their physician. Since you also now know that I have an eating disorder, please respect the fact that I don't really want to talk about it with you. All you need to know is that I am aware of the destructive nature of eating disorders and I'm working on it.

Please do not discuss me or my weight with my mother, thinking that I will react better when your words come through her. She knows that I am an adult, and she knows that if she comes to me as your mouthpiece she is only going to make me mad, and I'm not going to listen. She has gotten this same speech from me, albeit not worded in quite this way, and she accepts my stance. She knows that she has raised a strong willed daughter and she knows that if I want or need her help, I will come to her. The same is true for you. If I want your help I will ask for it. Until then, STFU already.

Sincerely,
Judy

I'm trying to take more pictures, and photo projects are fun, so I'm participating in color week.

My laptop bag. It's functional but feminine, and I love it.

I'm trying to take more pictures, and photo projects are fun, so I'm participating in color week.

This is Erik, the teddy bear I've had for a long long time. He is known to some as "Taco Ingad" (inside joke) and while I no longer take him with me on trips, I can't bring myself to pack him away with the rest of my childhood "stuffies".

I'm trying to take more pictures, and photo projects are fun, so I'm participating in color week.

It's interesting how we can judge people for doing things that we do ourselves. Alice, of Finslippy, recently weaned herself off of an anti-anxiety medication. I remember thinking that it wasn't the best idea I'd ever heard, especially after she later posted about feeling super anxious.

My whole life I have suffered minor depression. Before it was formally diagnosed I was pretty much in denial about it. I always told myself that my problems weren't any worse than anyone else's. I always thought my crying jags were just me being overdramatic. I had a boyfriend once who was severely bi-polar and was on lithium. He was barely functional some days. That was a real problem. My life was just a little sad sometimes. Four and a half years ago things came to a head and I realized that my depression was real, and went on medication.

Medication helped immensely. Antidepressants aren't like aspirin or cold medicine or antibiotics. It's not like you take them and right away you feel better. It's more like your life is a mess, then you start taking them, and a few weeks go by and you realize that your recent past has been much less of a mess. I think maybe if enough time goes by people can forget what that messy life looked like, and they think that they don't need the medicine anymore because life is fine. Good even. I think that's what happened to me. The mess was gone, and what I had instead was not a perfect life by any means, but the mini-messes and bumps in the road were by far more bearable and could be surpassed.

I was off the medication for a while when I was unemployed, and it was manageable. I got back on them as soon as I got health insurance again, but somehow they didn't seem to work as well. My doctor prescribed a name brand drug rather than a generic, and something about it, some formulary difference, worked like a charm for me. I got to the place where things were good again. And that got me back to the place where I thought I was better again. I've had a prescription just sitting around for almost a year that I never bothered to get filled because life was good.

But, as it inevitably does with a disease like mine, things got bad again. Of course, when I realized that I needed the medicine, I couldn't find that suddenly very important piece of paper. I could have called my doctor and gotten a new prescription, but I didn't want her to know I had never gotten the original one filled. I found it finally the other day, and took it tonight to get it filled. But they wouldn't give it to me. My insurance company wants me to try a generic first unless they get a signed form from my doctor saying the generics have failed and that there is specific cause for them to pay for me to have the much more expensive name brand. So now my doctor will find out anyway, and I can only pray she signs off without me having to go in and see her.

I didn't realize how close to the edge I was until the pharmacist told me that they couldn't fill it and that they'd call my doctor tomorrow and try to fill it then. I managed to make it to my car before I started crying, but it wasn't easy. The crying jag that hit as soon as I was in the car was the first that I've allowed myself to have in a long time. I don't let myself cry because of that old programming that says that it's not so bad, that I'm just tired or being overly dramatic, or I'm just feeling sorry for myself when I should be doing something about whatever was upsetting me. I don't like to realize that life is getting to me, that my disease is back in control.

When I first went on the drugs I was terrified. I didn't want my mental state dependent on a pill. I remembered what the medications had done to my boyfriend, though I knew that he was suffering from something much more severe, I didn't want to be like that. But even after being on medication and knowing the world of difference it makes, sometimes I still think I don't need it. So far I've always been wrong. And I'm pretty sure that for me the decision to not be on the drugs will always be the wrong one. So why do I fight it? I wish I had the answer to that, but I don't. So here is hoping for a brighter tomorrow, and hoping that there is a bottle of little white pills waiting at the end of it so that I can go back to enjoying my life and not just having to get through another day.

It's 4:15 am. I can't sleep and feel awful. I've never been an insomniac and I am so not amused with this whole not being able to sleep thing that I want to break things. However, I know that it wouldn't help me sleep, and would just piss me off more in the morning because my stuff was broken. I have a huge theater thing today and I have to be there in less that 12 hours, and I'll likely be there at least 8 hours, so sleep would be a really good thing right now. Bwargh.

**UPDATE** Within 10 minutes of posting this I was out cold, and stayed the way til about 10 am. So I think maybe I did have a touch of something, but managed to sleep it away becasue i felt okay when I woke up.

About two weeks ago we all got an email from building management saying that our office building would be having some roof work done, and that we may notice a chemical odor that smelled a bit like heated plastic. Two days after that, they sent an email detailing the changes in wall coverings, starting with our floor.

The roof fumes get bad right after lunch, I guess when the day is getting hot. But we all have headaches and the smell is really bad. They seem to have gone away the past couple of days, just in time for the wallpaper stripper and paint fumes to kick in. Wednesday night and tonight, in addition to the roof fumes, we've had serious paint fumes. Is it any wonder we have no brain cells left by Friday?

This is what the place looked like on Tuesday/Wednesday:

I think my cell phone has rung (rang?) more times today than in the last two weeks. It's nice to feel loved though. I woke up nice and late, went to brunch with Keegan (I had breakfast, he had lunch) and now I'm just chilling at home waiting for Laura to get here at 5 and we're gonna go to the Great Mall and go to Dave & Buster's and then go to a movie.

My housemate, the one that annoys me most, Doc, actually gave me a pretty cool birthday present, even though I don't think he know's it is my birthday. He watches LOST, and he knows that I've gotten into it too. One of his friends recently went to China on business, and brought him back a Taiwanese bootleg of Season 2 (I already have Season 1 on dvd) , and he's letting me watch them. That in itself is pretty cool. But the icing is the subtitles. They are HILARIOUS. I give you the following scene from the first episode of the season:

Actual Dialogue:
Kate: Why do you want to get down there so bad?
Locke: -ly. Why do I want to get down there so bad-ly. Jack thinks I'm crazy, doesn't he?
Kate: Why? Because you want to drop into a hatch that's been locked from the inside by a foot thick steel door that says quarantine?
Locke: Well, look at the bright side- the damage is done
Kate: Bright side...
Locke: And if Jack thinks I've lost it I can't blame him really. Then again five hours ago I was pulled into a hole by what appeared to be a column of black smoke. Did you see it Kate?
(she nods)
Locke: Then I guess we're both crazy. I wonder what Jack thinks he saw.

And the subtitled text of the same conversation:
Kate: Why do you want to get down so bad?
Locke: Liz, why do you want to get down so bad. Jack think some crazy isn't he?
Kate: Why do you want to lap the food is inside my foot is indoor?
Locke: We will clime die dame is done
Kate: Niht site...
Locke: And Jack think a lot that I can't really then again an hour ago I was pulled into a hole appears to be black smoon. Did you see it Kaith?
(she nods)
Locke: I guess we are both crazy. What do Jack seems so.

I'm onto the second episode now and the subtitles are normal now, so I may have just gotten lucky in episode one. But Doc was watching with me for a few minutes and we were both just laughing at the subtitles. Awesomeness.

Happy Birthday to me.

I love the theater. I've been involved with it both on and off the stage since I was 4 years old. I can't say that I was a model actor/dancer backstage from quite that young an age, but I had my first leading role at the age of 9. When I wasn't on stage, I was sitting quietly backstage reading a book or doing my homework. Acting was and is a privilege, not a right, and I am of the very firm opinion that there specific rules that you follow when you have downtime. You are quiet. You do not eat in your costume. You listen to the stage manager and follow any instructions given to you by your director, whether or not they are there with you. There are 23 kids in the current production I am working on. They are on stage at the very beginning and very end of the show. In between, they run around outside and make noise. They try to buy candy from the cencession stand, which they are not allowed to do. When they are told no, they do whatever they can to get around it. And it pisses me off.

Last night I had three teenage girls (not included in the kids I just mentioned, there are 53 people in this cast) come out while I was setting up for intermission and ask to buy skittles. I said no, becasue they're not allowed to eat in their costumes, and one of them said "I thought that was just the little kids?" and I said no, it was everyone. Then she tried to argue that skittles weren't messy, and I told her that if I sold her candy I had to sell the everyone candy, and I wasn't bending the rules for anyone. They went back to the dressing rooms and I went in to make sure the bathrooms were ready for intermission (TP, dry counters, etc.). I was in there for maybe 5 minutes. When I came out, I glanced into the concession stand to make sure everything was filled and ready, and noticed that there was a box that was still sealed, so I pulled it out to take the plastic off. And saw a $5 bill just sitting in there. I was livid.

I was pretty sure that it was the stage-mom who is sometimes also the assistant house manager that did it. But I couldn't find her. Finally once intermission started I found the stage manager, asked him to tell me exactly what he wanted the rule to be, and we agreed on "as long as there is no audience around, and as long as they don't eat in their costumes, they can buy candy". I'm not happy with that, but it's the stage manager's call and I have to go along with it. Then I went backstage, and found one of the girls I had said no to with a handful of skittles.

Me: Hmm..... I *wonder* where you got skittles.
Her: (makes "caught puppy" face) I'm sorry.
Me: No. You're not. Don't say you're sorry.

I was right, it was the stage om that did it. The same stage mom who was right there when I told the girls no. The same stage mom I had said no to on a previous occasion. Except that now, the kids can buy candy. I told them all not to eat it in their costumes, but of course they all did. When I went backstage at the end of the show to change the garbage cans, there were starburst wrappers all over the floor. The show closes on Sunday, and Sunday cannot come soon enough.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago, I think it was during the third weekend of our 5 weekend run:

Judy: I forgot to put my laundry in the dryer, so I’m gonna be late tonight
Jay: That is not good ... how not-good is it?
Judy: eh, manageably not good
Judy: technically I’m supposed to be there at six. I never get there before 6:30, but pretty much as long as I’m there by 7 I’m good
Jay: You work like I work :)
Judy: it's a sold out house tonight, so I can't be too late
Jay: Technically <= Actually <= Need to be there by
Jay: What are you guys putting on?
Judy: Oliver
Judy: I wonder if our star will be there tonight
Jay: God - I *hope* so
Jay: Not too good a show w/o a star
Judy: well, the understudy has gone on the last two nights, and has done very well, but we held the house til 7:50 on Thursday to rehearse him
Judy: that was a little scary from a house manager perspective
Judy: don't take this the wrong way since you're a dad, but I hate children
Jay: LOL
Jay: I don't
Jay: I understand completely
Judy: or rather, I hate groups of other people's uncontrolled children
Jay: Yes, precisely
Jay: Everyone should
Jay: I think everyone *does* and those who say they don't are lying
Judy: so this show is killing me, both in that regard and as an actor
Judy: the kids run around in the courtyard, they're loud, they try to buy candy after intermission that they are not allowed to eat in their costumes anyway, and the backstage moms let them get away with it
Jay: Chaos ensues
Judy: the stage mom on Thursday tried to get me to sell them candy and I said no, they're not allowed to, but apparently the other house manager lets them get away with it, and the stage mom said that, and added that there is nothing for the kids to do in the second act
Jay: Parents.
Judy: and I’m like- that's part of being an actor. bring a book, or a game boy, or a laptop with a DVD on it.
Jay: You would think that they'd learn from kids, not to play one person off against the other, but no.
Jay: Book? Book?
Jay: I can just imagine
Judy: feh.
Judy: I know everyone says "my children won't [insert thing here]" but so help me god if my children want to be actors they will be professional about it
Jay: One would hope
Jay: That's a word more people need to think about: Professional
Judy: and fucking take responsibility for your child
Judy: don't just be like well, that's how he is, or but he has nothing to do.
Judy: *gets off soapbox*
Jay: Amen, sister.
Jay: Kids out of control lead to grownups who don't know "no"
Jay: "I know I'm right because I'm always right"
Judy: *barf*
Judy: and also HATE!
Jay: After adolescence that kind of behavior is really hard to train out too
Judy: I mean, I know I’m not a parent, but criminy
Jay: I don't think you have to be a parent to understand this - the mystery is, why so many parents *don't*

The day started with me spritzing hairspray straight into my eye. But when I got to work and checked email, I saw that Five for Fighting has a new album coming out in August. So I guess the score so far is 1-1, so I guess I'll have to wait and see how it turns out.