So, I was sick the whole weekend. Not the most fun ever. but I am happy to be able to say that there were no major missteps, despite cravings and the feeling of "I'm sick, I should be able to eat what I want." Well, no. Doesn't work that way. In the old way of thinking it did, and that thinking is what has kept me from losing weight.

Friday night I went to the doctor and found out I had pinkeye. I had thought it was an allergy to the mascara/cold cream from the night before. Keegan was coming over to make signs for the No on 8 rally we were going to Saturday morning. I made spaghetti with meat sauce and steamed broccoli. Had one serving of each thing.

Saturday morning I woke to my eyes being crusted shut, and a really bad sore throat, and congestion. Much as it broke my heart to do it, I called Keegan and bailed on the rally. Went back to sleep for a while, then got up and had a breakfast of nuts and crackers. Napped. Finished off the leftover broccoli from Friday. Watched some TV, napped some more. Had chicken soup with rice and a cup of tea for dinner. 1 serving only, and while I could have eaten more, I didn't. Stayed up til about 12:30, since I'd been asleep all day.

Sunday morning I woke up much clearer eyed and feeling a lot better. IMed Keegan that I wanted waffles. Sweet guy that he is, he had offered to make a juice/meds run for me, but I was feeling human enough to leave the house so we went out to breakfast. Had my favorite Mamas & Papas hash browns at Hobee's (potatoes, spinach, turkey bacon and cheese) with a scrambled egg topper. Side of turkey bacon, side of coffee cake. I didn't eat the coffee cake though. My brain took over when I saw it at the table and decided that I did not need to be eating that. I did take it home, but if I end up eating it there will be a good hard workout the same day. Since "breakfast" was at noon, I didn't eat again til dinner at about 6, which was a single serving of leftover spaghetti from Friday night. Again, could have eaten more, made the conscious decision not to. I skipped hockey practice, which made me sad, but I still had a fever and really I'm just OVER being sick and didn't want to chance a relapse.

About 7:30 I got a call from Nicky, inviting me over to watch the Sharks game. Char was on her way over, and Nicky had just ordered pizza. I was very tempted, but ultimately decided to be responsible. Too sick for hockey = too sick to go hang out with friends and have a late night on a school night. Also, I had to put my bed back together after having stripped it, bleaching my sheets (ah, the one good thing about white sheets) and washing my quilt.

I'm ready for a week of good health (I'm so close), good eating, and some trips to the gym now that gas is more reasonably priced and driving the extra 20 miles a few times isn't going to hit the wallet so hard...

I'm revamping. I'm using the weight tracker over there on the left, and this space is probably going to be short complainy posts rather than longer more profound ones. Acknowledging what I'm feeling is important for me.

I've done two weight loss/get healthy challenges this year. I've won pieces of both. Came close to being the biggest loser in the first challenge, took that title in the second. Won the points/last girl in race both times.

Awesome, right? Totally.

Except that my binge eating disorder has sabotaged those results both times, and I'm right back where I started, which is awful. I feel like I let myself down, but more, I feel like I cheated those other girls in the challenge. Because yeah, I worked my ass off (literally, hee) to win, but in the end it didn't get me anywhere.

So now, here I am starting again. I play hockey 1-2 times a week, and while I could do with some more exercise on top of it, at least I'm getting some, so that's more covered than it might be otherwise. I'm eating healthier, smaller meals consisted of fewer refined carbs and more veggies, and I'm down about 9 pounds from 12ish days ago.

The newfound determination is mostly for myself. Well, it is for myself, there are just external factors pushing me. My 15 year high school reunion is coming up at the end of April. I wanted to lose a bunch of weight before my 10 year, and I didn't. I promised myself that I would by the 15 year. And now that deadline looms. So far, it's been good incentive. So have the effects of regaining the weight I lost quickly.

I lost a bunch of weight in the first challenge, and the about half as much the second time, for a total of just over 50 pounds. I've put it all back on. There were some unpleasant physical side effects, as one would expect. I won't go into a lot of it, but will say one thing. I have always thought I had cute feet, and was always proud that I had slender ankles compared to other people my size. Let me tell you that when you're used to seeing cute feet and slender ankles, swollen feet and cankles are a horrifying sight. Shoes leaving pressure marks on your feet- even your totally loose fitting crocs mary janes. It's awful, and something I never want to see again.

I made a new vow. I developed an eating plan that seems to be working. And in finding out about my 15 year reunion, I found incredible motivation. So here's the goal. 100 pounds, or well on my way to it, but the end of April. 190 pounds total, by my 35th birthday in June of 2011 (which should be more time than I need, but I'm trying to set realistic goals).

me: can I ask you a personal question?
RSM: yeah, shoot :)
me: as someone who has recovered from anorexia, does it offend you when people refer to compulsive overeating as an "eating disorder"?
RSM: No, not at all. It's 100% an eating disorder
RSM: I was in hospitals a few times for it, eating disorder units, and there were always compulsive overeaters with us
RSM: Men, too
RSM: The stereotypes of eating disorders are just flat out wrong
me: wow. I had no idea
RSM: And I always felt bad for the overeaters rather than the others, actually, because they felt SO judged, ya know?
me: I mean, there are easily as many men in OA with me as women, I just meant the hospital part
me: yeah, I do know...
RSM: and this one time in group therapy, I was complaining about how everyone calls me "crazy" for my disorder
me: and this one woman says, "Yeah, well, at least they don't call you crazy AND fat"
me: I just always felt weird referring to it as an eating disorder because it doesn't seem as drastic or serious as the others, but really, in the long term it is, but when you learn about them in school, they don't mention COE
RSM: Oh, I think it's just as drastic and serious - it's just in an entirely different direction
RSM: it's just a way of handling your issues and life, etc, through food.
RSM: it's just that some people choose to do it through starving, some do it through over eating
RSM: I really see it as being identical underneath
me: that's a good perspective, thank you.
me: It's a question I've been wanting to ask of someone for a while, but, well, you can't just go up to anyone and ask that, you know?

Brad: how's the gym treating you lately?
me: I'm taking a week off, the knees are acting up again
Brad: ah, ok.
me: but in answer, other than the knees, the gym is treating me well. I'm working really hard, and feel good about it
Brad: great.
me: that said, my food addictions are not treating me well, and sabotaging all the hard work in the gym
Brad: are you still going to OA?
me: no. I need to get back to it.
Brad: Just remember how happy you were with your results. :)
me: i know. I just don't want to go back there and have to admit that I failed again
me: not that they'll judge me or they won't still love me, it's just a pride thing
Brad: so don't say "I'm a failure" Say, I lapsed, but I want to get back to it.
Brad: It's rare that anyone can quit any addition/habit cold turkey. The key is to not step back farther than you step forward.
me: :)
me: you're an amazing friend, you know that?
Brad: Nawwww.
Brad: I know I'm not trying to lose weight, but I've got things that I have to work on too. If I don't run, I don't have the energy to be a good dad. If I eat bad food a couple of days in a row, my skin tells me to stop it.
Brad: But the brain HAS to win. It's 5:15am, warm in bed, cool outside, and I have to SCREAAAAM inside my head to put my feet on the floor, put my clothes and shoes on. I even walk slow to the end of the driveway so I can prolong having to run.
Brad: and now, that I'm sitting here at 2:20pm, I have energy and I am in good spirits. When I"m not in shape, I'm tired, grumpy, and unmotivated.
Brad: Ok, the "me" song is over. Just wanted to pass that along.
me: :)
me: yeah, I feel that way about the gym [not wanting to do it but feeling good after]

My food has been a mess. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks. Last time I went to the doctor I had gained weight, and I don't think I can attribute it to gaining muscle mass, but it might be. I'm so lucky to have supportive friends, both in Program and not. I got this in an email months and months ago and I keep it where I can see it during the day:

"And the deal is this; You're awesome the way you are. You're loved. You're accepted. AS YOU ARE. But for your best, for your health, for you... you have to do this (or, more accurately, you have to surrender this. Let God do in you what you could never do for yourself.)"

I need to surrender this. I'm really bad at surrendering things.

*sigh*

Yikes, it's been 6 weeks since I posted here. It seems like a lot, and also nothing much has happened since my last post. Going to the gym trailed off again after the times I posted about. So, I hired a trainer, which essentially forces me to go, because there is someone waiting for me, that I have to pay even if I don't show up. But I find I look forward to those appointments now, even though I end up dripping and sore by the end. There's a separate post on that in the works.

I've lost 4.5 pounds in the last two weeks, which, while awesome, is not what I hoped for. Friends are reassuring in that it is progress, but I dropped 24 pounds in 2.5 weeks once (and despite how that looks, it wasn't really that unhealthy, given the fact that I was not starving myself and the size that I was to begin with. In my head I know that I am working hard and that I am building muscle in addition to losing fat, but I really want to see the numbers dropping and my feelings on that are not really listening to what my brain is trying to tell me.

Food is really good some days and not as good on other days, but I have managed to keep away from fast food and junk food, so that is good. the "not as good" days pretty much just means I'm eating more refined carbs than I'd like, or not eating the amount of protein I should be, things like that. But it's all a process, and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I've just got to stick with it and not let myself get discouraged.

I've spent a fair number of days not feeling good about my recovery. I was sick for about a week, and gave myself license to eat whatever sounded good, because when you're sick those things tend to be few. But I also allowed myself to wallow in some hurt feelings and soothe them with the wrong things. But I'm back on track and feeling good about it. I missed my meeting this morning due to an early morning call from a good friend back East, which makes two weeks I've missed since I was sick last week. I kinda miss it.

The other thing I feel good about is the gym. I skipped a week of going because I was a human snot factory and couldn't really breathe in general, I wasn't about to go about panting on an exercise machine. But on Monday I was seized by an intense desire to go get some quality sweat time in on the elliptical machine at the gym. I used to hate the elliptical... wtf happened to me? I didn't go Monday because I had some things to do after work, but I went Tuesday and it felt really good. I'm going to attempt to go tomorrow morning early early, but I'm not so good with the getting out of bed so we'll see how it goes. I'm definitely going on Saturday though. I'm excited that I'm actually *wanting* to go to the gym. I didn't think that'd ever happen.

(I just posted this to my other blog, but since it has to do with food I felt like putting it here too.)

I had two eggs and a muffin for breakfast at about 10:30. I'm busily working away, and I just noticed that it is 4:07 and my turkey with sprouts on wheat that I bought an hour ago is still sitting on my desk wrapped in its paper. Do I even bother eating it at this point?

It's weird to look up and realize you have this blog thing that you haven't posted to in weeks. I need to work on that.

This year has been nothing short of amazing if you know me. There have been ups and downs, but overall I'm pretty happy. I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago, and I actually make myself go. Not only do I make myself go, I'm *motivated* to go. That's never happened before. Before I joined the gym I was getting up and walking two miles before work. Not every day, but a few times.

I'm working hard to get up the motivation to move my M-W-F gym trek to the mornings- that's slow going if I think about it but I've surprised myself. Yesterday was supposed to be my first "head to the gym at 6am" morning. Thanks to a random case of food poisoning (food allergy? no one else got sick) I was up til 3am Tuesday night. Nevertheless, when my my wakeup call came at 6 I told my friend I had been sick and wouldn't be getting up. But then I lay in bed really wanting to go. Ultimately I decided I was exhausted and didn't go, but the fact that I wanted to at 6 in the morning said something.

The fact that the trainer at the gym put me on an elliptical machine first thing and I continue to use it when I go to the gym boggles my mind. I hate the elliptical machine. I was in pain for days the first time I used one- probably due to using it improperly- but now I am determined to up my sweat time on the damn thing from 20 minutes to 30 minutes. I know I can do this. I know I need to do this. And I'm starting to believe that maybe I actually want/like to do it too.

(and adding to the progress in the last post, I can now remove two pairs of work pants without unbuttoning them. It's almost time for new pants!)

And this one will be short. Had a coupe of good moments the last couple of days I wanted to share. The best is probably that today I am wearing a pair of jeans that have been too small for 2 years. They're 2 sizes smaller than the jeans I've been wearing (which admittedly have been too big for a while).

Also, one of my coworkers has brought in a bunch of chocolate for the office, and I've had a really easy time just ignoring the fact that it's there. I've managed to not have sweets at all yet in 2007, with the exception of a few Hershey's kisses on New Year's Day. Last night I went to a Sharks event at Dave and Buster's, and my friends ordered a couple of fondue desserts to share. I had tried really hard to order a healthy-ish dinner- a house salad and philly steak rolls, which yes, were totally fried but at least not breaded and fried, and not at all greasy, and I wasn't all that tempted by the desserts. I mean, I was tempted, but it wasn't hard to resist. But this is how awesome my friends are- the fondue came with all kinds of sweet things of course, but there were strawberries and banana slices on the plate, and they saved the strawberries for me (they know I'm allergic to bananas or they probably would have saved me those too) so that I could finish my meal with something sweet without eating "sweets".

I do not need peanut M&Ms.... I do not need peanut M&Ms.... I do not need peanut M&Ms....

Can you tell what I'm craving right now? I just had a good healthy lunch and I'm not hungry, but something brought chocolate to my mind and that's now all I can think about. I haven't had sugar yet this year, and I'm doing really well with the refined starches too. Do I really want to blow that on something I don't really need to eat? No. But yes. But ultimately no. GRRRR.