Brad: how's the gym treating you lately?
me: I'm taking a week off, the knees are acting up again
Brad: ah, ok.
me: but in answer, other than the knees, the gym is treating me well. I'm working really hard, and feel good about it
Brad: great.
me: that said, my food addictions are not treating me well, and sabotaging all the hard work in the gym
Brad: are you still going to OA?
me: no. I need to get back to it.
Brad: Just remember how happy you were with your results. :)
me: i know. I just don't want to go back there and have to admit that I failed again
me: not that they'll judge me or they won't still love me, it's just a pride thing
Brad: so don't say "I'm a failure" Say, I lapsed, but I want to get back to it.
Brad: It's rare that anyone can quit any addition/habit cold turkey. The key is to not step back farther than you step forward.
me: :)
me: you're an amazing friend, you know that?
Brad: Nawwww.
Brad: I know I'm not trying to lose weight, but I've got things that I have to work on too. If I don't run, I don't have the energy to be a good dad. If I eat bad food a couple of days in a row, my skin tells me to stop it.
Brad: But the brain HAS to win. It's 5:15am, warm in bed, cool outside, and I have to SCREAAAAM inside my head to put my feet on the floor, put my clothes and shoes on. I even walk slow to the end of the driveway so I can prolong having to run.
Brad: and now, that I'm sitting here at 2:20pm, I have energy and I am in good spirits. When I"m not in shape, I'm tired, grumpy, and unmotivated.
Brad: Ok, the "me" song is over. Just wanted to pass that along.
me: :)
me: yeah, I feel that way about the gym [not wanting to do it but feeling good after]

My food has been a mess. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks. Last time I went to the doctor I had gained weight, and I don't think I can attribute it to gaining muscle mass, but it might be. I'm so lucky to have supportive friends, both in Program and not. I got this in an email months and months ago and I keep it where I can see it during the day:

"And the deal is this; You're awesome the way you are. You're loved. You're accepted. AS YOU ARE. But for your best, for your health, for you... you have to do this (or, more accurately, you have to surrender this. Let God do in you what you could never do for yourself.)"

I need to surrender this. I'm really bad at surrendering things.

*sigh*