I'm revamping. I'm using the weight tracker over there on the left, and this space is probably going to be short complainy posts rather than longer more profound ones. Acknowledging what I'm feeling is important for me.

I've done two weight loss/get healthy challenges this year. I've won pieces of both. Came close to being the biggest loser in the first challenge, took that title in the second. Won the points/last girl in race both times.

Awesome, right? Totally.

Except that my binge eating disorder has sabotaged those results both times, and I'm right back where I started, which is awful. I feel like I let myself down, but more, I feel like I cheated those other girls in the challenge. Because yeah, I worked my ass off (literally, hee) to win, but in the end it didn't get me anywhere.

So now, here I am starting again. I play hockey 1-2 times a week, and while I could do with some more exercise on top of it, at least I'm getting some, so that's more covered than it might be otherwise. I'm eating healthier, smaller meals consisted of fewer refined carbs and more veggies, and I'm down about 9 pounds from 12ish days ago.

The newfound determination is mostly for myself. Well, it is for myself, there are just external factors pushing me. My 15 year high school reunion is coming up at the end of April. I wanted to lose a bunch of weight before my 10 year, and I didn't. I promised myself that I would by the 15 year. And now that deadline looms. So far, it's been good incentive. So have the effects of regaining the weight I lost quickly.

I lost a bunch of weight in the first challenge, and the about half as much the second time, for a total of just over 50 pounds. I've put it all back on. There were some unpleasant physical side effects, as one would expect. I won't go into a lot of it, but will say one thing. I have always thought I had cute feet, and was always proud that I had slender ankles compared to other people my size. Let me tell you that when you're used to seeing cute feet and slender ankles, swollen feet and cankles are a horrifying sight. Shoes leaving pressure marks on your feet- even your totally loose fitting crocs mary janes. It's awful, and something I never want to see again.

I made a new vow. I developed an eating plan that seems to be working. And in finding out about my 15 year reunion, I found incredible motivation. So here's the goal. 100 pounds, or well on my way to it, but the end of April. 190 pounds total, by my 35th birthday in June of 2011 (which should be more time than I need, but I'm trying to set realistic goals).